Dear God,

After seeing the news about the capture of a giant squid by a research team led by scientist Tsunemi Kubodera, my family went out and caught our very own giant squid last weekend. We’ve put it in the freezer to keep it fresh, but the truth is that we don’t know what to do with it now that we’ve caught it.

I’m now left wondering what the point was in capturing the giant squid. Looking at it, it’s pretty much just like a normal squid, except that it’s really, really big. It fills up our entire basement freezer, as a matter of fact, and so we’ve had to eat all of our frozen pizzas in one day, really fast, and we’re feeling sick.

Help us out, God. What do we do now?

- Horatio

Horatio,

When I took Jesus out on our first giant squid fishing trip, I made sure to impart to him the ethics of catching giant squid. Most important of all, you should endeavor to use every part of the squid, as the people did back in the Stone Age, when the difference between survival and starvation could depend upon knowing the way to make squid eye stew.

There’s the obvious thing to do with the flesh - giant calimari. I suggest serving it with lime as well as a marina sauce that has extra cayenne pepper. The mantle, properly cut, can make a jaunty holiday centerpiece for your New Year’s Eve Party. The beaks make excellent ashtrays or garden hoes. The little teeth from the suction cups on the tentacles, when polished, can be used to make unique necklaces to give to a prospective mate, or to sell at the farmer’s market.

Don’t forget to use the siphon, which can be used to make very effective tennis wristbands, until they begin to smell.

- God

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 26th, 2006 at 11:06 am and is filed under All God's Advice, In the News, Science and technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.