Dear God,

Christ did not think killing people and brain washing them was the right way to change the world around him, Lenin did. Christ did not see God as a product of “The Man” meant to suppress those weaker but as a Father-Creator.

Lenin wore red, Christ most likely wore brown.
Lenin wore shoes, Christ wore sandals.

-Chase

Dear Chase,

Is that a question? Or are you trying to tell Me what’s what?

I beg your pardon (and I’m cutting you a heck of a break beggin your pardon, let me tell you) but I most certainly DO think that killing and brain washing people is the way to go.

I’m omnipotent. People die. Do the math.

I demand faith, or else. I could give you proof of my existence, but I don’t. But you better believe in me. Now, that’s not brainwashing, and the reason it’s not brainwashing is because I say it’s not brainwashing. You don’t think it’s brainwashing, do you?

Think about it for a while.

Now stop! Believe in me on blind faith!

Now think about it again.

Stop!

Think!

Have faith!

Red light!

Green light!

Red light!

A hah! Caught you! You’re still doubting me. You’re in trouble, buddy.

I love that game.

-God

Dear God,

I recently looked at a web site where the writer suggests that Communist leader Lenin and Jesus are pretty much the same. The writer says that both of them were anti-family, anti-money, anti-private property revolutionaries.

Surely I’m missing something. Jesus was the first Christian. Lenin was an international Communist leader. How can the two be the same?

Help me out with this, God. How are Jesus and Lenin different?

- Comrade Carl

Carl,

The answer is obvious. As everyone knows, Jesus was not bald, and he had a longer beard than Lenin.

That’s the superficial difference, of course. More important is the fact that Lenin wore pants. Jesus did not wear pants.

Also, Jesus never rode on a train.

I hope that clears things up for you.

- God

Dear God,

They say that you are both all-knowing and all-powerful.

So, if that’s true, why couldn’t you just use your power to filter out all those nasty email spam messages that I get about phentermine and disney toon porn and all that kind of stuff.

Surely, it’s in your power to do so, so what gives?

- Harried Harry

Harry,

There’s a simple answer for why I don’t use my omniscience and omnipotence to stop these email messages. Spam is the spawn of Satan.

If you’re intelligent, you’ll now be following up with another question: Why don’t I just get rid of Satan?

The answer is that Satan’s evil is for your own good. I once eliminated Satan and all his works a long time ago, and people got really pissy about it. They complained and complained that they didn’t have anything to do, or any reason to do anything at all. They would just lay around in bed all day, drooling.

It seems that people need to have things in their life that they believe to be evil, just as a motivational technique. So, I had to reinstate Satan, and as a compensation for his earlier destruction, give Satan’s hordes all a year’s supply of jelly beans. Demons really love jelly beans, so I was quite put out.

Spam, as you call it, helps you to appreciate the personal emails that you do get. Think of those pesky emails as my way of keeping you appreciative.

- God

Dear God,

I was looking at the campaign finance database of the Federal Elections Commissions the other day, and see that a fellow from central Virginia named Dewey Broughman is running for the Republican nomination for President in 2008. I’ve never heard of Dewey Broughman before, and he doesn’t seem to have a lot of money to work with in order to support his presidential campaign. He doesn’t have a campaign web site, either. Why is he running for President, anyway?

- Vivianne

Vivianne,

Dewey Broughman is a latter day prophet of mine, in the tradition of Job. I made a bet with Rahm Emanuel of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, you see. I said that a devoted follower of mine would comply with a calling from me to run for President no matter what the odds and no matter how overwhelming the evidence that he could not possibly win. Rahm Emanuel said that such a follower would quickly observe the lack of political party resources, and withdraw from the campaign. What’s at stake: If I’m right, then Rahm Emanuel will have to give up his position as leader of the DCCC and donate all his money to the Progressive Democrats of America. If Emanuel is right, on the other hand, I will have to start endorsing Democratic candidates for public office instead of Republicans.

To get the bet rolling, I spoke to Dewey Broughman. I gave him the official calling to run for President of the United States, challenging the likes of John McCain, George Pataki and Mitt Romney for the Republican nomination. So far, I’m winning. Dewey Broughman is a true believer, and has not indicated any interest in dropping out of the race, even though it seems that he does not have a chance. Of course, we have nearly two years still before election day.

Stay tuned.

- God

Dear God,

How does getting Yourself killed help You forgive people for stuff they didn’t do?

- Joe

Joe,

What you have to understand is that when that whole crucifixion thing happened, Jesus was kind of going through an acting out stage in his life. Any father will know what I’m talking about. Kids get self-obsessed, and desperate for attention, and sometimes they even think that if they just commit suicide, that everyone will love them and finally understand their pain.

The trouble with Jesus is that it actually took place. Let’s be frank about this: Jesus had a martyr complex. He really thought that he held all the bad actions of all humanity ever on his shoulders, and if he could just pay for it all, then everything would turn out all right in the end.

Look around you, and ask yourself: Did everything turn out all right in the end? No. These people who call Jesus the savior of the Earth are missing the obvious fact that the Earth has not been saved. Funny that.

As Jesus’s father, it really bugs me that people glorify what was really a twisted suicide pact that he and Pontius Pilate cooked up. It’s time to stop rewarding this kind of negative behavior.

Just ignore Jesus. He wanted the attention, and that’s why he misbehaved and threw away a perfectly good career in faith healing tent show revivals.

As for forgiveness for ancient sins, honestly, I lost track of all that a long time ago. I may be omniscient, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mislay a moral ledger every now and then. I honestly couldn’t care less about that whole apple from the forbidden tree thing. I’m over it, so why can’t people just let it drop?

- God

Dear God,

You rock.

I just started my own blog today and was reading up on how to get it done when I saw your sight and though…. wow, maybe I’ll ask God.

So God, how bout some pointers?

Your site is hysterical… only wish I’d thought of it first.

Regards,
- Mike

Mike,

Thanks. I am that I am, you know.

The most important advice that I can give you on writing a blog is to be consistent. You have to keep your voice the same, once you find it. For example, I always write in my own voice, as God. You won’t find me being Aphrodite one day, and Indra the next, and then some being like Quetzalcoatl. I’m God, and God is God. My ego is omnipresent.

Consistency in the pace of blogging is also important. I find that I get the best feedback when I give advice at least once per day. It’s the same rule I apply to maintaining the universe. You probably don’t remember it, but one day last year, I just decided I needed the day off. So, there was no third Thursday in September last year. Really. Try to think back to what happened that day. I just skipped it, and the world went straight from Wednesday to Friday. Consumer satisfaction with the Universe went way down as a result, and I had to put in two consecutive Thursdays in March 2006.

Most importantly, lose the Lorem Ipsum. It gives the appearance that you’re just writing something without knowing what it is that you want to say. I did that with a galaxy once, and didn’t fill it in for ten million years. When an alien civilization viewed the galaxy through a telescope, all they saw were big words in the the blackness of outer space, reading “star cluster”, “super nova”, “nebula” and that sort of thing. It was very embarrassing to me, and revealed a weakness in my creative process.

- God

Dear God,

Are you really God?

Aren’t you really just a person writing this blog?

- Doubting Douglass

Douglass,

How can you doubt that I am God. I am God.

There, you see? As you can see from the above paragraph, it has been written that I am God. That makes it scripture. Therefore, it must be true.

Right?

- God

Dear God,

I’ve been thinking about going into merchandising. It seems to me that a website that sells Christian-themed merchandise is a great way to make money. Since I’m not Christian, would it be wrong for me to do that? Also, would I be risking my own immortal soul by selling merchandise that could cause true-believers to worship false idols?

Thank you!

-Cameron

Cameron,

Since you are not a Christian, everything you do would be wrong! Haven’t you ever heard of the lake of fire? No? Well, have you heard about the pond of newts? How about the creek of old raisins?

Oh, how many punishments I have for non-Christians! No one could count them but me. If you were to offer try to sell Christian merchandise as a non-Christian, I would punish you eternally after your death by casting you into a tidepool of little styrofoam balls, which, covered with static electricity, you would never be able to get out of your hair.

The wages of sin are death, then little bits of styrofoam!

- God

Dear God,

A few days ago, a reader of yours asked a question about the Interlaken Reformed Church in Interlaken, New York. I was wondering what the church in Interlaken did that caused it to need reform. Was it a Ted Haggard evangelical sort of thing, with church leaders hiring prostitutes and buying methamphetamines? Did the church leaders have to go to reform school, perhaps?

- Clarice

Clarice,

No, the leaders of the Interlaken Reformed Church were not required to go to reform school. Neither was there any sex scandal, or allegation of the purchase of illegal drugs by church leaders.

Rather, the original theological teachings of the Interlaken Church forbade the running of footraces through the surrounding countryside. The church leaders taught that races of this sort were the work of Satan.

The problem was that the Interlaken Church wasn’t bringing in much money, because it was missing out on the vital local enthusiasm for running over hill and dale. The rummage sales and pancake breakfasts weren’t bringing in the crowds that they used to.

So, one day, a church elder stood up from the pews and declared that he believed that there was no Biblical scripture on running footraces, and that the Interlaken Church’s teaching on the sinfulness of steeple chases was based on false prophecy from Satan himself.

There was quite a tumult that day, I can tell you, and the rumors are that more than one flower pot was broken. The result was, however, that by the next Sunday, the Interlaken Church decided to reform itself from its past Satanic anti-footrace past. Thereafter, the church was known as the Interlaken Reformed Church.

- God

Dear God,

I saw an article over at an irreligious blog claiming that the following verse from the Bible, from the Gospel of John, chapter 15, verse 5, endorses gay sex: “If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit.”

They seem like godless heathens to me over there at that blog. But, do they have a point? Does this verse from the Gospel of John authorize homosexual intercourse?

- Straight Sam

Sam,

Let me set the record straight about what I meant when I wrote that verse of the Bible. That verse does not endorse homosexual intercourse.

It endorses cannibalism.

- God

Dear God,

Here in Interlaken, New York, we recently hosted a 5k steeple chase race, which benefits the Interlaken Reformed Church.

The posters put up around this area claim that Interlaken is frequently called “God’s Country”. The thing is, I have lived around this area for most of my life, and I have never heard anyone call Interlaken God’s country - except on this new poster.

Is Interlaken really your country, God, and if so, what does that make the rest of the world - Satan’s country?

- Interlaken Irene

Irene,

No, Interlaken is not my country. In fact, churches all over America like to call their particular locality “God’s Country”. The truth, though, is that they’ve never consulted me on the matter. They haven’t asked me if, in fact, it’s really my country, or even if I would like for it to be.

I am omnipresent, and so I’ve been to Interlaken, of course, but to tell the truth, that village and its surroundings don’t really hold much interest for me. Sorry, Interlaken.

- God

Dear God,

I write have written a blog for about a year now, and so have become used to the daily stream of comment spam messages, trying to get a place for pharmaceutical advertisements in the comments sections of my posts. I was surprised, though, to find a piece of spam in the blog filter this morning that began with the following line:

“Who would have thought of my meeting with, perhaps, a nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh in this assembly!”

I recognized this immediately as a line from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, from the scene in which Mr. Collins grovels before Mr. Darcy.

God, you are the only contemporary of Jane Austen still alive, so I thought I would ask you: Would Jane Austen approve of the use of her writing in spam?

- Kitty

Kitty,

Jane Austen would have much disapproved of the easy availability of social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. Remember how Maryanne Dashwood was reprimanded for being too forward with her attentions to Mr. Willoughby. The original title of Sense and Sensibility was Sense and Spam, but I convinced her to change the focus of the novel.

I believe that Miss Austen would have regarded spam as somewhat similar in worth to the desperate letters written by Maryanne Dashwood to Mr. Willoughby, though in a commercial sense. Jane Austen had no antipathy to commerce, so long as it was conducted in an honorable fashion.

My opinion, however, differs from that of Jane Austen. I believe that the cause of literacy is promoted by the distribution of lines of classic fiction in what would otherwise be completely worthless correspondence.

- God