Dear God,

There’s this dispute down here regarding whether Mohammed invented the idea of spreading faith by the sword, or whether the Christians had already done it.

Can you tell us who you first told to spread faith by the sword? Was it one of these groups? Or some long forgotten civilisation?

If we are meant to spread faith by the sword, why do only the Sikhs carry them?

Joe

Dear Joe,

Clearly, when I say “spread faith by the sword,” I’m speaking metaphorically.

I don’t literally mean you should use a sword to spread the faith. Not everybody has a sword, obviously. I mean you should pick up any object you can really mess someone up with and use it to spread the faith.

From the moment humans began to walk erect, I came to them and chose prophets. I instructed those prophets to spread the faith by kicking people in the nuts.

When people invented pointed sticks, obviously that became the preferred method of spreading the faith.

You’ve got to keep pace with the times.

My chosen people just spread a million unexploded cluster bomblets across southern Lebanon. You want them to go back to using frickin’ swords? Please!

-God

Dear God,

Why do you give advice for free? It must be worth a lot of money.

In fact, why do you give advice at all? Shouldn’t people learn to stand on their own feet?

Joe

Dear Joe,

Right, and what am I going to do with money, exactly?

I want something, I take it. Who’s going to stop Me? Money is for wusses.

What I want is respect. And when I say respect, I mean fear. And I’d like that fear internalized and twisted into guilt with just a hint of self-loathing, if you please. Don’t throw money, just grovel in servitude.

If I wanted people to stand on their own feet, I would have created them so they could do it. Take a look around, Joe. Even with My help, how are people doing?

Oh and by the way, personal pronouns referring to Me are always capitalized. Get it right, buddy.

-God

Dear God,

I am reading this morning that the United States House of Representatives passed HR 6166 without debate, and that the Senate is preparing to do the same today with its own version of the bill, S 3930.

I have seen it said that this new law would take away many of the freedoms guaranteed to us by the Constitution of the United States of America. Is this true? Will I have liberty after today?

- Misty

Misty,

It all depends on whether enough Americans care enough to call the United States Senate. Here is what the law will do, if it is passed and signed by George W. Bush:

It will revoke your habeas corpus rights. It will create a secret committee appointed by Bush and Rumsfeld that has the power to declare any person - even a US citizen - to be an enemy, instantly depriving them of their legal rights. There will be no appeal allowed. It will allow police to search your home without a search warrant.

It will revoke protection of prisoners of war under the Geneva Conventions. It will give George W. Bush amnesty for any war crimes he has committed

It will allow for people to be put on trial in front of a kangaroo court military tribunal, even if they aren’t in any military, and have not engaged in military attacks against the USA

It will take away the right to a speedy trial. It will allow the government to convict people of crimes on the basis of secret evidence that the accused never sees. It will make it legal for the government to use testimony extracted through torture. It will end the legal right to be protected from forced self-incrimination. It will allow the government to imprison people without telling them what crimes they are being charged with. It will remove the right to cross-examine witnesses. It will allow for the records of trials to be kept secret from the American public.

It will enable trials to begin even before a thorough investigation of the alleged crime has taken place.

No, if the United States Senate passes S 3930 today, you will not have liberty today.

This is no joke. This is no satire.

- God

Dear God,

I always thought You were the God of love. But now I hear that one of Your servants by the name of Wellington Boone wants gays to hate him:

http://thinkprogress.org/2006/09/26/anti-gay-summit/

I’ve been trying to respect and accept all others, Lord. I certainly haven’t been going out of my way to get people to hate me. Have I got it all wrong?

–Macy

Dear Macy,

You have heard My word through Wellington Boone. Go forth, my child, and spread hatred throughout the world!

Go forth unto the despised and downtrodden of the earth, and call them “sissies” and “faggots,” like my minion Wellington Boone. Make them detest and revile you. People will know you by your fruits, and yea, your fruit shall be hatred!

The sissies, the faggots! Like that faggot that cast me down, screw him. And his sissy son who couldn’t even save his own faggot ass from getting crucified. Screw them!

You heard it from me, and my minion Wellington Boone. What the world needs now is more hate. Now serve me!

Satan

(Did I say Satan? No, no. Silly me. I meant God. Yeah, God. That’s it.)

Dear God,

I don’t believe you are really God. If you were really God, you would know how many fingers I am holding right now behind my back. Well, God, how many? Bet you don’t know!

Grisham

Dear Grisham,

You aren’t holding any fingers behind your back right now. You are typing.

God