Dear God,

There’s this web site out there that is dedicated to nothing more than a little ditty they call The Eye Song. It’s a folksy kind of tune, and it appears to be an anti-war, anti-Bush song, but its lyrics, which are printed at the site, are not very clear.

There’s this one line that they repeat over and over again, for instance, about “cause God’s gonna’ give it to ya’ anyway”.

I don’t get it, God. What do you have, and who are you going to give it to, anyway?

- Latonia

Latonia,

It’s about the Wheel of Fortune. No, not the tarot card. The television game show.

I was a guest host a few weeks back when Pat Sajak was sick. Someone asked if they could buy a vowel - an I. I said “Yeah, you can buy it, but I was going to give it to you anyway.”

See, it’s a misspelling. It should be called The I Song, not The Eye Song.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Senator Joseph Lieberman has been one of your most loyal servants in the American government. Lieberman has worked to make sure that Americans have “freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.” He’s supported George W. Bush’s faith-based intiatives to mix religion into government services. He’s gotten righteously preachy about video games for you.

But now, now God, you’ve let Joseph Lieberman lose to Ned Lamont. Why?

- Miffed Melissa

Melissa,

Haven’t you noticed that this is my M.O.? I really like to make my supporters suffer. There was Jesus, for example, whom I got up on a crucifix, and then forsake. I literally left him hanging. Moses, I led around in the desert after taking him away from his cushy job. Speaking of job, Job, I messed around with him something rotten.

People like to say “God is love”. I say that those people don’t know Jack. Have they talked to me? If you follow me, I’m going to make you suffer. I am like a cosmic bad boyfriend. Lieberman’s just the latest to get screwed.

Sorry, I know I’m supposed to offer you sentiments that would fit on a postcard showing a shaft of light coming through the clouds, but that’s just a fantasy. We’re talking reality here. My followers all end up in the gutter, eventually.

- God

Dear God,

I’m seeing today on CafePress the news that we are all now to be allowed to make up our own designs relating to the movie Snakes on a Plane, and sell those designs on shirts and mugs and stuff like that.

The founder of CafePress gave us the news, saying,

“We’re excited to announce that New Line Cinema is partnering with CafePress.com to permit fans of Snakes on a Plane to become official licensees of Snakes on a Plane merchandise - creating a unique program in the true ‘citizen’ spirit of the movie. This interactive promotion allows our network of over 2.5 million members to unleash their creativity to transform Snakes artwork and ideas into unique gifts and share in the revenue stream.”

I don’t get it.

First of all, I don’t understand why I should want to just stick up some stuff related to some movie about snakes on a plane onto my web site and try to convince people to buy it. Why would anyone buy something like that, and why wouldn’t they just buy it from the movie company directly?

Secondly, I don’t understand what the big deal about the movie Snakes on A Plane is, anyway. So, there are snakes on a plane, and people on a plane, and the people have to fly the plane without getting bitten or constricted or otherwise killed. Why not Jello on a Ferris Wheel, a movie in which someone has to try to climb down from the top of a frozen ferris wheel that has accidentally been coated in slippery Jello? Makes about as much sense to me.

- Chip the CafePress Shopowner

Chip,

This is about much more than just some little movie. Snakes on a Plane actually secretly refers to a secret society derived from the Spanish Conquistadores who conquered the Aztec empire and were inducted into the secret cult of Quetzalcoatl, the plumed serpent god that could fly.

The airplane is merely a symbol of flight, not the actual object of action in the movie. Snakes represent renewal of life, because they can shed their skin and are symbolic of the divine hoop of the world.

Don’t take this movie literally. Samuel L. Jackson knows more than he’s letting on.

And CafePress? I wouldn’t be surprised if Maheesh Jain were in on the whole thing, using CafePress items like buttons and bumper stickers to spread the word surreptitiously among cult members that the time for activiation has come.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at this movie, and the CafePress promotional scheme, and tell me if it makes sense on a literal level.

There’s more to this than meets the forked tongue.

- God