Advice From God

b>Dear God,

In Jerry Springer The Opera, you sing “It aint easy being me” and ask Jerry, of all people, for advice. But have you considered hiring a professional management consultant? Are there any management consultants in heaven?

- Tremont

Tremont,

That’s an excellent question. It isn’t easy being me, but the fact is that Jerry Springer isn’t really much help. He didn’t give me any advice that worked in the end.

The truth is that I have created the entire universe as a kind of management consultant. It’s like a mirror really, given that I am the cosmos. I look at the universe, and it tells me things about myself. It’s all about me, me, me.

I have hired a professional management consultant from San Diego, and she tells me that I need to stop thinking about myself. Let me tell you, that’s not an easy thing to do when you’re omnipresent, but, thankfully, I am also omnipotent, so I could stop thinking about myself, if I really wanted to. The truth of the matter is that I really don’t want to.

Now, about heaven. Yes, there are plenty of professional management consultants in heaven.

Thinking about that, it doesn’t fill me with very much confidence about their skills. Death is, after all, the ultimate end to one’s career, and these consultants are all dead. That’s how they got into heaven, after all. They haven’t been very successful at keeping their careers going, have they? So, although all the professional management consultants in heaven keep on begging me for work, I refuse to hire any of them.

- God

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