Dear God,

I keep hearing President Bush talk about how God is on America’s side in the War on Terror. But then I seem to remember Osama bin Laden saying how God is on his side. Israel, Hezbollah, Iran, heck everybody who kills someone says You are on their side. Dear Lord, I know You can’t be on everybody’s side at once. So, really, who’s side are You on?

Mack

Dear Mack,

The Americans are my chosen people. I am on their side. That is why the War on Terror exists. It is my gift to America.

Not much of a gift, you say? Wish America weren’t at war, you say?

Honestly, Mack. I know what you’re thinking. I always do. Save the B.S. for the liberal cocktail parties, OK?

You love the War on Terror, Mack! Remember that dark decade before 2001 when America’s only enemy was some two-bit warlord in Mogadishu? Remember how you missed wanting to kill all the Russians? Well, that longing is gone. You have an enemy once again! Praise Me!

Now, you could have just kicked back, read some theology, cherished peace, bought an electric car, and spent more time adoring Me. Wouldn’t that have been enough for you?

I’m just kidding Mack. It’s not like I want you to be a wuss or anything. Relax. Enjoy the War on Terror. America kicks ass again, with Me on its side. Glory, glory!

Dear God,

You will have seen the recent film of The Merchant of Venice starring Al Pacino. As a nod towards historical accuracy, all the prostitutes were bare breasted, because apparently this was required by the church out of a fear of rampant homosexuality.

Might it be worth reintroducing this rule? Are there any other problems that might be solved with a little more nudity?

- Antonio

Antonio,

One thing you ought to understand is that, as far as I’m concerned, all people are naked. Like Superman, I have x-ray vision. I see all.

The other thing you need to understand is that, in the divine world, just as in the political sphere, there are important interest groups that need to be paid attention to. It’s not that these interest groups influence me personally, but the bishops are a little bit more flexible, and easy to manipulate.

It just so happens that the garment industry has a set of lobbyists who work to promote the interests of clothing manufacturers around the cosmos. So, let’s just say that when it comes to the divinely-mandated order of things, it is in heaven’s interest to see people clothed. Don’t expect nudism to spread anytime soon.

- God

Dear God,

In Jerry Springer The Opera, you sing “It aint easy being me” and ask Jerry, of all people, for advice. But have you considered hiring a professional management consultant? Are there any management consultants in heaven?

- Tremont

Tremont,

That’s an excellent question. It isn’t easy being me, but the fact is that Jerry Springer isn’t really much help. He didn’t give me any advice that worked in the end.

The truth is that I have created the entire universe as a kind of management consultant. It’s like a mirror really, given that I am the cosmos. I look at the universe, and it tells me things about myself. It’s all about me, me, me.

I have hired a professional management consultant from San Diego, and she tells me that I need to stop thinking about myself. Let me tell you, that’s not an easy thing to do when you’re omnipresent, but, thankfully, I am also omnipotent, so I could stop thinking about myself, if I really wanted to. The truth of the matter is that I really don’t want to.

Now, about heaven. Yes, there are plenty of professional management consultants in heaven. Thinking about that, it doesn’t fill me with very much confidence about their skills. Death is, after all, the ultimate end to one’s career, and these consultants are all dead. That’s how they got into heaven, after all. They haven’t been very successful at keeping their careers going, have they? So, although all the professional management consultants in heaven keep on begging me for work, I refuse to hire any of them.

- God

Dear God,

I was reading in this morning’s newspaper that in the US House of Representatives, the Republicans, joined by a large number of Democrats, passed a bill that would make it illegal for any court to hear any lawsuit challenging the legality of the religious devotional in the Pledge of Allegiance. You know the part. It’s where everybody chants in unison, “one nation, under God”.

Well, this got me wondering. Is America really under you God? If so, how do you deal with the constant rotation of the Earth? Are you a satellite in Earth orbit?

- Palloni

Palloni,

I’m shocked that you could suggest such a thing! Heresy! Don’t you know that I’m at the center of the Universe?

What happens is that there are elaborate maneuverings of all the heavenly bodies in the universe that make it appear that the Earth rotates, but in fact it does not. In fact, the Earth always keeps one side pointing right at me. That side of the Earth is where the United States of America is. Specifically, Davenport Iowa is under God. The rest of America is only mostly under God.

- God

Dear God,

It is my understanding that yesterday, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales admitted to the Senate Judiciary Committee that it was President George W. Bush who personally gave the order to deny investigators the security clearances they would need to perform their criminal investigation of the illegal warrantless wiretapping and email reading program going on at the White House through the National Security Agency.

This got me thinking, God. President Bush says that you speak through him. But, you’re not even an American citizen. Also, the Islamic radicals say that you’re on their side.

So, has Bush given you a security clearance, God?

- Frederick

Frederick,

No, George W. Bush has not given me a security clearance. The trouble was that I couldn’t get any references.

I wrote down on my credit check application that my first job was to create the universe. They asked me for a reference, and I told them that I couldn’t given them one, because, by definition, anyone I could have used for a reference could not have seen me actually do it, because, as the Bible says, I created all the people on the sixth day.

So, George W. Bush and I meet in secret, at a little motel about a half a mile away from the White House. It’s perfectly innocent, I assure you. I just give him professional tips, that’s all.

- God

Dear God,

I recently found out about Second Life, an online virtual world where hundreds of thousands of people live in an alternative reality. You are credited with the original creation of life on Earth. Did you create Second Life as well? If so, was that on the eighth day, or what?

- Ned

Ned,

I did not create Second Life. As I understand it, some programmer named Norm, or something like that, I can never remember his name, did the initial creation of this alternative world. The creation is ongoing, however, and apparently users are able to create their own islands and objects just like that - albeit with the application of a little bit of ingenuity or real world money.

It’s a bit blasphemous, don’t you think?

- God

Dear God,

In Wichita, Kansas, the Christian Chronicle has claimed that you yourself have endorsed Republican candidate for Governor Ken Canfield. In his editorial, the newspaper’s publisher Russ Jones told readers that “Not to recommend Ken Canfield would be rebelling against God himself.”

Is this true, God? Do you endorse Ken Canfield for Governor of Kansas?

- Skye

Skye,

No, this is not true at all. I have not endorsed Ken Canfield for Governor. Russ Jones is absolutely wrong about my political intentions.

The fact is that I am endorsing Libertarian Rob Hodgkinson for Governor of Kansas. Why endorse Mr. Hodgkinson? Well, Rob has been active in the local Wy-Jon County Bowling Association, serving seven years as a director. I like bowling.

You may object. You may be thinking to yourself, “Where has God been? Doesn’t God know that Rob Hodgkinson is running for Secretary of State, not for Governor? Is God out of the loop?”

Oh, no, my friends, I am not out of the loop. I know that Rob Hodgkinson is running for Secretary of State. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I want him to run for Governor. In fact, you could say that, by not running for Governor, Rob Hodgkinson is rebelling against God himself.

- God

Dear God,

I need you to help me decipher a recent statement made by Pope Benedict XVI, as he entered Spain in order to try to convert the nation back to Catholicism. He said, “Let’s shine a light on the positive things, so we can make people understand why the church cannot accept certain things.”

I don’t get it. The Pope says that we should work to be positive in order to communicate about why the Catholic Church is reacting negatively to secular freedom.

How can the Pope ask us to be positive about being negative?

- Alfred

Alfred,

It’s kind of like how parents will yell at their kids to be quiet, or spank their children for hitting each other. It’s family values, see. They don’t call him El Papa for nothing.

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, I found out about an online book entitled Why Won’t God Heal Amputees?

In that book, the author writes:

“The Bible clearly promises that God answers prayers. For example, in Mark 11:24 Jesus says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” And billions of Christians believe these promises. You can find thousands of books, magazine articles and Web sites talking about the power of prayer. According to believers, God is answering millions of their prayers every day.

So what should happen if we pray to God to restore amputated limbs? Clearly, if God is real, limbs should regenerate through prayer. In reality, they do not.

Why not? Because God is imaginary. Notice that there is zero ambiguity in this situation. There is only one way for a limb to regenerate through prayer: God must exist and God must answer prayers. What we find is that whenever we create a unambiguous situation like this and look at the results of prayer, prayer never works.”

God, this writer is saying that you’re imaginary, and using the proof that you don’t answer prayers to heal amputees, even thought the Christian Bible clearly promises that you’ll answer any prayer so long as the person really believes that you will.

So, God, if you exist, as this blog clearly indicates, then how come you won’t listen to the prayers of amputees and heal them to wholeness?

- Rosalind

Rosalind,

The reason is that the Devil is engaging me in a battle of prayer and anti-prayer. I do answer the prayers of amputees, and heal their wounds to restore their lost arms and legs. The problem is that Satan immediately counteracts my answered prayer with an instant re-amputation. So, in the very instant that I heal amputees, Satan undoes my healing.

The main thing for you to keep in mind is that none of this is my fault - not the original amputation, and not the re-amputation by the Devil. The essence of cosmic truth is that I, God, am responsible for everything good, but cannot be blamed when anything goes wrong. Surely, if you’re experienced with Christianity, you’ve noticed that basic theological principle.

-God

Dear God,

I walked into a McDonald’s this afternoon to see that the fast food restaurant chain is now glorifying international piracy in the Caribbean and promoting in the traffic of stolen goods - specifically, a “Dead Man’s Chest”.

As a God-fearing Christian, I was plainly shocked to see such murderous criminal conspiracies being promoted in a place where my neighbors bring their children to eat and play.

Why is McDonald’s now advocating piracy on the high seas, and what is the best ethical response I could show to this outrage?

- Carlita

Carlita,

The McDonald’s corporate leaders do not support this pirate conspiracy that you have identified. Rather, it is pirates themselves who have shanghied McDonald’s corporate executives and taken over the franchise chain for their nefarious schemes.

I suggest that you put on an old baggy shirt, wrap your hair up in a scarf, wear an eye patch, and walk into your nearest McDonald’s with a rusty sword, asking the people at the counter if they’ve ever been to sea.

That should provoke some action.

- God

Dear God,

Why have you made Sunday our day of rest? How should I best observe this sabbath?

- Polly

Polly,

Your questions are based on a common misconception. I never intended Sunday to be a day of rest. Rather, I intended Sunday to be the day of nest. Bad handwriting on the part of medieval monks is responsible for this error, I’m afraid.

On the seventh day, I nested. I got some contact paper, and put it in my kitchen cupboards. I took the little area rugs out on the line and beat them with a stick to get the dust out. I washed the windows from the inside and outside, and I cleared out the lines in my coffee pot by running vinegar through the system, as recommended by the manufacturer.

How you should observe the day of nest is your own choice. Perhaps you could indulge your nesting instinct by organizing your bookshelf in alphabetical order, or by finally organizing those recyclables you’ve been storing in the back closet so that you can get them out on the curb this coming week.

Above all else, be sure to observe your duty to nest this Sunday. Never forget that I, the creator of the entire universe, care very deeply about how human beings organize their weekend schedule. How could any sane person question that?

- God

Dear God,

Although I am 32 years old, I am new to the kitchen, having gone out to eat at restaurants for most of my life. I am just now learning to bake, and have gotten my first can of baking powder ever.

Something about this baking powder confuses me, however. It says on the package that it is “double acting”. Does that mean that I should use half of what a recipe calls for, when I use this baking powder?

- Darnice

Darnice,

Congratulations on your foray into the kitchen.

No, you should not use half the amount of double acting baking powder. Use the same amount as you would if you were using plain old baking powder.

The phrase “double acting” does not refer to any kind of extra power to make cookies rise in the oven. Instead, double acting baking powder actually has a second function - a sacred function.

Not only does double acting baking powder help delicious deserts get all puffy in the oven, but it also serves as an excellent agent for casting out demons. When you don’t have any holy water handy, and demons are pestering you and preventing you from making the evening meal with their infernal hijinks, get out your double acting baking powder and throw it around your kitchen.

If you don’t believe me, I suggest that you look at the packaging for your baking powder. The FDA requires that all double acting baking powder be packaged with the following advisory: Double Acting Baking Powder uses a variety of antidemonic leavening agents in combination with the pulverized bones of the saints. Do not put in the microwave, as hellfire may ensue.

- God