Dear God,
In the Bible, it says that some day in the future you will bring forth calamity and destroy the earth. When is that going to happen?
-Bartleby
Bartleby,
I have already brought forth a calamity that will destroy the earth. I created people.
-God
Dear God,
I have been thinking about it for some time now, and have decided that I would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. The trouble is, I really don’t know how to go about establishing this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?
- Marvin
Marvin,
I really don’t know how to put this to you, but the fact is that Jesus is already spoken for. Jesus has been in a committed relationship with Isis for almost two thousand years now, and to be honest, I just don’t see them breaking up any time soon.
I would be less direct in my answer to you, but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting in vain.
Also, my earthly publicists also tell me that I am against same-sex romantic relationships, though I can’t remember ever saying so. It’s in Leviticus something or other, I think.
It just so happens that there is a nice single young woman living right down the street from you. Would you like me to set you up on a blind date?
Best of luck to you,
God
Dear God,
Two thousand years ago, you promised you followers that the End Times would soon arrive, and all of them would be saved, while their enemies would be dashed into little tiny bits and painfully destroyed.
So, we’ve been waiting! When will the End Times come? I’m ready to be saved and get my reward in heaven.
- Mark
Mark,
You remind me of when Jesus was young, and we would go out riding in my favorite chariot to go see his mother, Gaia, who lived very far away because my father, Kronos, didn’t approve of her. Anyway, I’d be driving the chariot across Asia Minor, and Jesus, who always rode in the back seat, would crane his neck up over my shoulder, and say, “My Father Who Art In Heaven, are we there yet?”
That always irritated me, which is why I worked up all that stuff about Jesus “having” to be crucified to save men from sin. I’ll tell you, after the crucifixion, when I told Jesus about my little practical joke, he didn’t talk to me for a week. I said, go visit your followers, if you want to give me the silent treatment, then. He said he was tired of the paparazzi always trying to draw his picture on papyrus.
Anyway, my point is that you’re really getting on my nerves. How about this: When we get close to the End Times, I’ll let you know. Until then, why don’t you just take a nap, or count telephone poles, or something, okay?
- God
