Dear God,

My philosophy professor teaches me that Plato believed that every category of thing is represented in a higher realm by an ideal form, a kind of cosmic prototype. Does such a Platonic form exist in politics?

- Cassius

Cassius,

Only the Green Party has truly ideal candidates, as Green Party members will surely tell you. However, there is a form for the role of United States Senator, and that form is Senator Russ Feingold. As you may have seen, Russ Feingold has been named the essential senator. Will that cause troubles for Russ Feingold’s upcoming campaign for President of the United States? Can one form transit into another? It’s tricky to say. I’ll leave that question to the philosophers.

- God

Dear God,

Why is your Wiki Bible offline?

- Karl Gustav

Karl,

One of the difficult things about using wiki technology to spread my Holy Word is that there are lots of spammers who like to replace substantial edits with mere advertisements for viagara, breast implants, and other kinds of spam.

I am omnipotent, but I am also lazy. You can kind of think of me as a divine underachiever. So, I’m tired of the open source, and will be working on a New New Testament in a new format that is not vulnerable to Satan’s hordes of spam writing demon bots

- God

Dear God,

I have begun to hear a great deal about Vissarion of Siberia, a prophet who has arisen from southern Siberia to great prominence over the last decade. His followers say that Vissarion is a new incarnation of Jesus. Is this true, or is Vissarion a false prophet?

- Vassily

Vassily,

Vissarion is neither a false prophet nor a new incarnation of Jesus. He is a genetic clone of Jesus, created through a combination of embryonic stem cell research and in vitro fertilization made possible through my program of prolific condom use throughout the ancient Roman empire.

Vissarion, as you will note, is a combination of the words caesarean and vasectomy. Thus, Vissarion represents the union of fertility and sterility through artificial means. His role here on Earth is to proclaim the need to talk to your doctor about erectile disfunction, and whether Vissarion may be right for you. Vissarion may cause headaches, loss of sexual appetite, elbow rashes, compulsive gambling, liver failure, and constipation.

- God