Advice From God

Dear God,

As I’m sure you know, well you’re God so of course you know, but anyway Congress just passed a bill forbidding the U.S. military or intelligence services from using torture. Bush signed it, but in a signing statement he said that the bill would not interfere with his ability to exercise his power as president, which makes me think he’s still going to do it.

Is torture always wrong, or is it sometimes OK to torture someone if he’s a really really bad guy?

-Farley

Farley,

Sure, torture is OK sometimes, as long as you’re reasonably certain whoever you’re torturing is a really, really bad person.

Cannibalism is OK on occasion too. When you’ve got friends in the mortuary business, why pay for liver?

Rape is OK every once in a blue moon, as long as she’s dressed provocatively and asking for it.

Adultery is also OK every now and then. If nobody finds out, who’s the wiser?

Blowing up buildings is OK, as long as you drop bombs onto them from airplanes.

(Never crash airplanes directly into buildings, because that is evil.)

Stealing is OK, if someone else has something sitting around that you could put to better use.

Heck, as long as you can come up with a half-ass excuse, go ahead and do whatever you feel like. Just pray to me afterward and everything’s forgiven anyway.

See you in Heaven!

-God

Dear God,

I just found this video of Ram Bomjon, the mysterious boy that they say is the new Buddha for our times. But look at that long hair. Is that really Ram Bomjon, or is it just an imposter wearing a wig of long hair?

- Dorje

Dorje,

Yes, that is really Ram Bomjon, but I have some shocking news for you. Ram Bomjon did not actually sit under that pipal tree for ten months without moving, as his followers said. Ram Bomjon actually got up every night from his meditations to learn some new dance moves.

You see, Ram Bomjon has indeed been sent to Earth on a holy mission, but it doesn’t have much to do with Buddhism. Ram Bomjon’s sacred quest is to reunite the band Nirvana, as its new lead singer, and to bring a reconstituted Lolapalooza tour to Nepal, in order to stop the Maoist rebels and Nepals monarchy from fighting any more.

- God