Dear God,

I just heard about the young woman who rode her bicycle across the campus of Arizona State University wearing nothing but a baseball cap, a pair of sneakers, and the words “Impeach Bush” written on her leg. In your divinely moral opinion, was she being lewd?

- Ferguson

Ferguson,

That woman was not being lewd, unless you consider politics to be lewd. Was there any sexual content to her message? She was riding a bicycle and speaking out about a political movement of growing importance: The movement to impeach George W. Bush.

Consider the huge number of legal documents and lengthy hearings that would be required to impeach Bush, and you’ll realize that it would be almost impossible to be lewd with such a message.

- God

Dear God,

Whenever I travel with my business partner, he refuses to look at the safety card or the flight attendant when instructions are given for what to do in case the plane crashes. I worry that he is putting the safety of me and the other passengers at risk. What should I do?

- Petra

Petra,

What should you do? It’s as plain as day.

You should sell any real estate that you currently own. I have forseen that the housing market will crash within the next nine months.

Also, be sure to get plenty of fiber in your diet.

When it comes to your partner’s apathy, don’t worry. My omniscience tells me that there will be no plane crashes in your future.

If you can’t stop feeling nervous about travelling with your partner, take the aisle seat and chew some spearmint gum. I’ve got some big investments in spearmint farms in Paraguay, where most of the mint flavoring in American chewing gums comes from.

- God

Dear God,

Did you read those cartoons of the prophet Mohammed in that Danish newspaper, and if so, were you offended by them?

- Ahmad

Ahmad,

Yes, I did read those cartoons. I’m God. I see all. I know all. I read all. I have all of the Beetle Bailey comic strip memorized, and that’s a lot of Miss Buxley, I can tell you.

Yes, I was offended by the cartoons, and I’ll tell you why. Prophet Mohammed gets all the attention. What about me? Why aren’t there any cartoons about me? What do I have to do to get someone to draw my portrait.

I’d take a caricature. I just want some attention. I’m tired of being represented as a shaft of light coming through the clouds. I want to get some exposure, some face time. You know what I mean?

- God