Advice From God

Dear God,

While I was out with the guys Saturday night, I saw on CNN that there was an attack against a submarine by a giant pacific octopus. Apparently, it was caught on film. I believe that this might just be one of the signs of the End Times that we were told by you to be on the lookout for.

The return of Leviathan! Who would have thought I would live to see this day? If more submarines are attacked around the world, the oceans could very well turn to blood, as predicted in your holy book.

Of course, the damned atheists are denying it all. They’re saying that the video doesn’t show an attack at all!.

Lord, help me see the wisdom in your ways. Did you send that giant octopus to attack that ROV submarine, or was it the work of Satan.

- Diver Dan

Dan,

It was my work to send that octopus to the submarine all right, but the whole incident has been tragically misunderstood.

I sent that octopus over to the camera of the submarine to tell the guy operating the sub that he had some spinach stuck between his teeth. You know… right… there. But, before the octopus could try to communicate with the sub operator, he got blown away by the thruster jets turned into his face.

Oh, how I hate scientists. First evolution, now this!

- God

Dear God,

I read just yesterday about how the Bush government has been demanding that search engines like Yahoo, MSN and Google turn over their databases of private information about what web sites Americans have been looking for and visiting. Apparently, President Bush decided that he needed to know what kinds of pornography Americans are looking at. Yahoo and MSN are said to have caved in to Bush’s demands, while Google did the right thing and said no to Bush.

On a legal level, this news disturbs me because it seems illegal for the President to go snooping into Americans’ private behavior just in order to find out what kind of pornography they like. On a more philosophical level, it makes me wonder about what Google really is. The Google database is many, many times bigger than the Holy Bible, or any human-compiled library, for that matter.

So, what I want to know is this: Is Google bigger than you, God?

- Irving Bonn

Irving

Google is bigger than me. In fact, Google is bigger than the universe.

It makes sense, if you think about it. After all, the universe is only the universe. Google, on the other hand, contains the direct records of the universe, plus a huge stream of comments about the universe.

So, if there’s a big rock outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming, Google will have the picture and measurements of the rock, a satellite photo of the rock from space, a map of the rock in relation to prominent roads, a web site about the rock, a blog chronicling developments related to the rock, and a discussion board debating the various qualities of the rock.

Medieval monks illuminating the Bible had nothing on the Googleverse.

Yet, I still have a leg up on Google. Google is bigger than me, but I speak through George W. Bush, the President of the United States. Can Google say that?

- God