God

The Bible sure is a long book. Did you have any help writing it, like a ghost writer or something?

- Deva

Deva,

Good question. The truth is that I wrote the Bible through dictation, and I had many, many editors.

Your question has really got me thinking, though. It has been a long, long while since the Bible has been updated. Perhaps it is time for a new edition.

I’m too busy to go and write it myself, though. So, what I’m doing is embracing the new technology (I invented the Internet, you know), and am making the Bible completely open source.

Now, you too will be able to say that you wrote the Bible. Put that on your resume!

The way I’m going to make this work is through something I call the Full Wiki Bible. It’s the old Bible, yes, but there are going to be some big changes in it. So far, I have just the first 19 or so chapters of Genesis online, but, of course, there’s much more to come.

This being wiki, everybody is free to make their own changes to the Bible now. That’s what makes it the Full Wiki Bible, not just these little semi wiki Bible projects out there that allow someone to merely comment on the Bible without changing the verses they don’t like. You follow me, and you get the real thing: The new God of the Full Wiki Bible is a democratic God, and loving it, baby!

- God

Dear God,

A friend of mine pointed me to a web site which cites the 20th chapter of Genesis, verses 17 and 18, as proving that you approve of the practice of contraception. Here’s Bible quote they cite:

“God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bare children. For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech.”

According to this passage, it sure looks like you practice contraception - handing out contraceptives of some sort to all the women in the house of Abimelech.

Is it true? Are you really Pro-Choice? If so, what kind of contraceptive did you use?

- Hagar

Hagar,

It is true. I used contraceptives. But, it does not follow that I am Pro-Choice.

You see, I forced all the women of the house of Abimelech to take birth control pills. They had no choice in the matter.

Of course, I’m not Pro-Life either.

I’m Pro-God. My policy on sex and contraceptives is that I’m God and I can do whatever I want. The rest of you have to sort out this matter for yourselves.

- God

Dear God,

I noticed a couple of days ago that 18 of your earliest blog postings are gone. How come?

- Stan

Stan,

It’s Satan’s fault. He sent a demonic horde of hackers out, with infernal worms and hellish viruses to attack our heavenly server.

Don’t worry, though. All that stuff that we lost and was not backed up on our server somewhere is just the old testament. You can rest assured that our Heavenly web masters have updated the cosmic system software to prevent such diabolical security breaches in the future.

- God

Dear God,

Last weekend, I attended a performance of the Nutcracker ballet with my children. I thought You would surely be O.K. with that, since it’s a Christmas ballet, and Christmas has everything to do with Jesus’s birthday and nothing at all to do with a midwinter pagan festival of lights.

But as I was watching the Nutcracker, I started to wonder what, if anything, the plot of the ballet had to do with Jesus. There’s this weird uncle in a cape who gives a nutcracker to a little girl. Then at night the Christmas tree grows up through the roof, the nutcracker comes alive and fights with mice, then the toys all come alive and dance around, and snowflakes in little white tutus prance all over the place, and there are some not at all wholesome intimations of a young girl’s romance with a cylindrical wooden object. Is Jesus there in any of this? Did I miss Him?

I know that some children’s magic stories, like The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, are good. Some, like Harry Potter, will land you straight in Hell if you so much as brush your hand across the dust jacket. But what about Christmas magic?

Then it occurred to me that some of the carols we sing around this time of year don’t have Jesus in them either. Should I be singing Frosty the Snowman with my kids? It’s about this magic hat that makes a snowman come alive and disobey a direct order from a peace officer. It sounds kind of like a medieval alchemist creating a golem or something, which is about as blasphemous as you can get. But then again, Frosty comes back again after he melts away, so he might be a symbol for Jesus.

I’m confused, God. Please set me back on the straight and narrow.

-Barry

Barry,

It’s a good thing you figured this out when you did. About half of the carols people who call themselves good Christians traipse around singing this time of year will win you an eternal dream date with the Prince of Darkness.

Frosty and the Nutcracker are good examples.

Jingle Bells is right out. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh and ignore Jesus tonight. Oh what less fun it is to endure an eternity of wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And that song about the holly and the ivy? Pagan and Christian symbols joined together in cheerful holiday harmony. Very politically correct, which is bad.

Deck the Halls. Go ahead and sing it. Then you’ll have eternity to tell all your friends in Hell how you just didn’t realize that there’s nothing Biblical about boughs of holly.

I’m not too hot about that wassail song, but it eventually gets around to asking Me to bless you send you a happy New Year.

I let What Child is This slide, despite the pagan tune, because it’s all about Jesus.

As a rule of thumb, if it focuses primarily on Jesus, God or angels, you’re on safe ground. Godless winter merrymaking or pagan symbolism will get you in hot water.

-God

Dear God,

I’m confused about what to say to people this holiday (Christmas? sorry!) season. I want to include all my friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. After all, there are a lot of holidays this time of year. I don’t want to offend anybody by just assuming everybody’s Christian. Then again, I’m a Christian and I’m proud of it, so sometimes I just want to say “Merry Christmas.” Should I say “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?”

–Lillian

Lillian,

The proper greeting is “Happy Jesus’s Birthday,” or “Merry Christmas.” Don’t settle for cheap imitations.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who celebrate Christmas and people who would if they knew what was good for them. Whoever you’re talking to, it’s one or the other. The best way to include your friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah is to convert them to Christianity. Then you can include them when you go to heaven, too.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now, I know what you’re thinking: some Copernican claptrap the secular humanists fed you in public school about the angle of the earth’s axis relative to the plane in which it rotates around the sun having something to do with the reason for the season. Well, that’s not in the Bible, so it’s not true.

And what is all this politically correct pablum about not offending people? I sent my own son to live among you that you might have an example to follow in leading your lives. And boy, did he have a knack for offending people. Go forth, follow in the footsteps of the Savior and start ticking people off. The next time someone at one of those massive retail stores wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” just look them square in the face and say,

“Do I look like I celebrate Hanukkah or something? That’s Merry Christmas, if you don’t mind!”

Then just let them have it about how the corporate elite of their massive retail chain is nothing more than a global network of moneylenders just like those Jesus drove from the temple. Tell them that the way they destroy small town family businesses, shop around for cheap sweatshop goods made by exploited foreign labor, screw over their employees, harass unions, and poison the environment is a betrayal of every value Jesus taught the world in the name of His Father… Actually, never mind. I don’t really care about all that stuff.

But boy it chaps my ass when someone says “Happy Holidays!”

–God

Dear God,

Over the last two years, I’ve been hearing and seeing some very disturbing things about torture. Those pictures from Abu Ghraib just turned my stomach, and apparently there is a woldwide network of American “black site” prisons nobody knows anything about. I shudder to think what might happen behind those walls. Now I hear that the new Iraqi government that two thousand Americans died to establish has its own network of secret torture prisons, organized with the help of Iranian agents. As an American citizen, I feel a terrible sense of responsibility for these barbaric acts carried out by my government in my name. Sometimes I feel like we’re sliding back into the Dark Ages, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. What can I do?

-Terry

Terry,

Ah, the good old days. Don’t tell me you’ve got something against the Dark Ages–Christianity dominated Europe, and it was a good thing.

Come on, Terry. Major retail chains this very minute are wishing people “Happy Holidays,” for My sake! And you’re hung up on this torture business?

Seriously, torture? There’s no torture going on. What you’ve got at Abu Ghraib is a few bad apples on the night shift, doing fraternity hazing types of things. Other than that, what we’re talking about are innovative and unique ways of extracting information, unorthodox interrogation techniques, setting the conditions for successful debriefings.

If I hadn’t meant for you to passively accept unthinkably horrible behavior on the part of your own government, I wouldn’t have granted politicians and their lawyers the gift of the misleading euphemism, now, would I?

Besides, the End Times are coming. There’s nothing you can do but sit back, slap on some SPF 2000, and watch Ragnarok roll.

Cheers.

-God

Dear God,

In my life, I try to be a good person. But sometimes I get caught up in hectic everyday life, and I catch myself swearing at other drivers on the road, or even being rude to other Christmas shoppers. I don’t want to live my life this way, God. If I call on You in these times, would you please help me to find the love and compassion it takes to be a moral person?

-Barbara

Barbara,

Can do, but won’t. That’s not my shtick. Remember the part in Genesis where I stopped all babies from being born for twenty years before I flooded the earth in the age of Noah, so that when I destroyed the wicked I wouldn’t kill innocent children along with them? No? That’s because it’s not there! I drowned them all, babies too young to speak and infants too young to smile. That’s right. I’m one bad mamba jamba, so don’t screw with me.

There are pagans, as I’m sure you know, who dedicate their whole lives to the cultivation of compassion and kindness. And are they going to Heaven when they die? Noooooo!

Where did you get this love and kindness business anyway? Oh, I suppose that hippy son of mine might have gotten into that while he was wandering around drinking wine with his long-haired friends, but there’s really only one thing you need to know about Him: His name.

His name is like a password. All you have to do is say, “I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” make yourself believe it, and you’ll feel this incredible buzz come over you. It’s better than drugs, believe me. (Not that I’ve tried drugs or anything, but believe me anyway.) Anyhow, you’ll be saved. Then you can go out and do whatever you want, cut people off in traffic, cheat on your taxes, fight with your co-workers, whatever. Then all you need to do is the little password/headbuzz thing and you’re saved again.

–God

Dear God,

I see in the news that Senator Joseph Lieberman is supporting Republican tax cuts for the rich, thinks that invading Iraq was a great idea, and says that Democrats who criticize George W. Bush are putting America in peril. I remember back in 2000, when Joseph Lieberman said that the Bill of Rights gives Americans “freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.” It sounds to me like Joseph Lieberman is a Republican, and a pretty extreme one at that.

Why doesn’t Joseph Lieberman just acknowledge his right wing beliefs and join the Republican Party?

- Wenzel

Wenzel,

Senator Lieberman is what you might call a political transvestite. I arranged for Joseph Lieberman to be born a Republican, but something went wrong with his upbringing, and little Joey decided to dress up as a Democrat. Now, some say that Senator Lieberman did so for crass political purposes, because the Democratic Party is where he made powerful connections. I prefer to look at Senator Lieberman’s problems as more along the lines of a mental disorder.

Don’t worry about the Senator from Connecticut, though. I understand that he has joined a support group, and plans on returning to his Me-given true Republican identity any minute now.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused about what to say to people this holiday (Christmas? sorry!) season. I want to include all my friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. After all, there are a lot of holidays this time of year. I don’t want to offend anybody by just assuming everybody’s Christian. Then again, I’m a Christian and I’m proud of it, so sometimes I just want to say “Merry Christmas.” Should I say “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?”

–Lillian

Lillian,

The proper greeting is “Happy Jesus’s Birthday,” or “Merry Christmas.” Don’t settle for cheap imitations.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who celebrate Christmas and people who would if they knew what was good for them. Whoever you’re talking to, it’s one or the other. The best way to include your friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah is to convert them to Christianity. Then you can include them when you go to heaven, too.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now, I know what you’re thinking: some Copernican claptrap the secular humanists fed you in public school about the angle of the earth’s axis relative to the plane in which it rotates around the sun having something to do with the reason for the season. Well, that’s not in the Bible, so it’s not true.

And what is all this politically correct pablum about not offending people? I sent my own son to live among you that you might have an example to follow in leading your lives. And boy, did he have a knack for offending people. Go forth, follow in the footsteps of the Savior and start ticking people off. The next time someone at one of those massive retail stores wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” just look them square in the face and say,

“Do I look like I celebrate Hanukkah or something? That’s Merry Christmas, if you don’t mind!”

Then just let them have it about how the corporate elite of their massive retail chain is nothing more than a global network of moneylenders just like those Jesus drove from the temple. Tell them that the way they destroy small town family businesses, shop around for cheap sweatshop goods made by exploited foreign labor, screw over their employees, harass unions, and poison the environment is a betrayal of every value Jesus taught the world in the name of His Father… Actually, never mind. I don’t really care about all that stuff.

But boy it chaps my ass when someone says “Happy Holidays!”

–God

Dear God,

I am totally Your biggest fan. I have read all Your books and I just love them, especially Revelation. It is so cool.

The other day, I was thinking about how amazing it is that You are everywhere all at once. The only problem was, I happened to be sitting on the toilet at the time. I wondered, should I go to the bathroom? I don’t want to go to the bathroom on You Lord, but if you’re everywhere in the whole universe at the same time, I really don’t see how I can avoid it. I can’t hold it in forever. What should I do?

- Penny

Penny,

In your lavatorial musings, you appear to have stumbled onto a conundrum inherent in the doctrine of divine omnipresence. That’s a lot of fancy God talk that means yes, I am everywhere all at once, and it does seem like a problem.

The thing is, Penny, I am not just in the toilet. I am also inside your intestines. So if you hold it in, you’re not really doing me any favors. Furthermore, I transcend time. That means that as far as I am concerned the food you eat is already excrement before you even put it in your mouth, except for communion wafers because they are magic.

Try not to indulge in theological speculation while you’re in the bathroom. Straining too hard to empty your bowels can affect the flow of oxygen to your brain, inducing a state of deep thought. Try to avoid that. It is not good for you.

- God

Dear God,

If you are all powerful like everybody says, can you make a rock that is so heavy that even you can’t lift it?

- Brad

Brad,

Yes, smart ass. It is within my power to create a rock that is so heavy that even I can not lift it. Then, it is also in my power to jolly well lift it if I so please. Got a problem with that?

- God

Dear God,

What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas? I mean, they say that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. So, then, what does some big old guy in a red suit from the North Pole flying through the air in the middle of the night have to do with with Jesus, who never went to the North Pole?

- Ferdinando

Ferdinando,

You’re making a lot of assumptions, both about Jesus and about Santa Claus.

First of all, do you know for a fact that Jesus never went to the North Pole? No, you don’t. Well, just consider this: Why do you think Jesus had a big long beard? That’s right - to protect his face from frostbite. It just so happens that the lost years of Jesus were spent not in India, as some have supposed, but at the North Pole, teaching raindeer how to fly.

Now, about Santa Claus. Well, see, what you probably don’t realize is that Santa Claus is Jesus, and Jesus is Santa Claus. People have been waiting for the second coming of Jesus for centuries, not realizing that he is already here. Jesus came back as Santa Claus. Both of them have big beards, right? Well, sure, Santa’s beard is white, but that’s because he’s even more pure now than he was before. It’s kind of like how Gandalf was reincarnated as a white wizard instead of a grey wizard. So, if Gandalf can do it, would you say that Jesus can’t?

Think about it now. Have you ever bothered to look at Santa’s hands? I’ll bet you haven’t. Well, the next time you see Santa, ask to look at his hands. You’ll see he still has the scars.

- God