Advice From God

Dear God,

Why is it that Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment, in which he used electricity to return a cadaver to life, has never been replicated by other scientists?

- Maude

Maude,

You know, I was there when Dr. Frankenstein raised the corpse up into the lightning storm. I was very proud, because finally I had someone to play with. For so long, no one every wanted to play God with me, and let me tell you, God is a very dull game to play if you’re playing it alone. Swell guy, Dr. Frankenstein. Sorry he had to die such a gruesome death, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the reason that all these scientists have been unable to replicate Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment is that they failed to accurately follow his procedures. They all think that they’re improving the process by not using the brain of a psychopathic murderer, but actually, that’s a necessary part of the technique. It turns out that murderers’ brains are better suited to resurrection. If only these scientists would use the right brain people would be replicating the Frankenstein experiment all the time.

Then of course, there’s the fact that the experiment took place in a novel, a piece of fiction. But, heck, some people say the same thing about me, and you don’t see me letting that get me down.

- God

Dear God,

I’m all confused about these news reports I’m hearing about the use of white phosphorus by American soldiers as a weapon in the seige of the Iraqi city of Fallujah. Bush Administration officials admit that the attacks using white phosphorus as a weapon, and not just as a device for illumination, did take place, but they say that it’s okay, because white phosphorus is not a chemical weapon.

I don’t get it. If white phosphorus is a chemical that is modified to be fit into explosives to be dispersed and cause fatal chemical burns on people, then how is it not a chemical weapon?

Also, the Pentagon says that they didn’t use white phosphorus as a weapon against civilians, but there were civilians in Fallujah when they attacked with their white phosphorus weapons, and those weapons used explosives to distribute the white phosphorus over a large area, so how could the Americans possibly have thought that they would be avoiding civilian deaths?

- Ryan

Ryan,

It’s simple, really. The white phosphorus isn’t a chemical weapon. For that matter, white phosphorus is not a chemical at all. It’s a divine substance I have specially designed for righteous retribution. The godly essence of white phosphorus, as the American generals well know, is that it only aflicts the unworthy. People without sin are not burned at all by white phosphorus. They are merely cleansed so that they have a fine glow of freshness on their skin, as well as hair that behaves.

So, you see, white phosphorus is not a weapon of mass destruction. No, no, no, no, no. It is a very precise, and very humane weapon, perfectly conventional, in a divine sense.

Never fear. You can trust your leaders to spray white phosporus over urban populations in a humane and civilized manner. After all, they’ve never lied to you before, have they?

- God

Dear God,

Pat Robertson, head preacher at the Christian Broadcasting Network, says that you have been kicked out of Dover, Pennsylvania as a result of the vote of the people there to replace a school board that was trying to force Christian Intelligent Design theology on students in biology classes.

As a loyal follower of you, and of Pat Robertson, I want to avoid this nest of vipers. The problem is that I live in Maytown, just to the north of Dover, and have to commute to York to get to my office. That takes me right through Dover.
How do I get to York without betraying the Christian Broadcasting Network?

- Marian

Marian,

If I were you, I would travel north to Pinetown and then cut east over to route 83. From there it’s an easy and fast shot to the south.

Of course, I’m not you. I’m God. So, I’m already in York, even if I’m in Maytown. Easy commute for me. There’s a great sub shop on the south end of town, but remember, I’m in the pickle too, so be gentle when you bite down, okay?

- God

Dear God,

I have recently heard reports that President George W. Bush has set up secret prisons in old Soviet-era gulags in Eastern Europe, in Poland and perhaps Romania. There are credible allegations that President Bush is having people tortured at those prisons.

I understand that George W. Bush talks to you a lot. What has Mr. Bush told you about what happens to people in those secret prisons of his?

- Edmund

Edmund,

Sorry, I can’t tell you. You see, I have to respect the will of the American people. They, or their representatives, have spoken. Just a couple of days ago, in the United States Senate, Senator Carl Levin introduced Senate Amendment 2430, which would have created an independent commission to investigate allegations of torture and other forms of abuse of prisoners in George W. Bush’s international network of secret prisons.

Although many senators voted in favor of the amendment, not a single Republican voted to approve commission. So, because the Republican majority of the U.S. Senate voted to block the commission to investigate torture, I feel obliged to keep my mouth shut. As long as the Republican majority in your Congress says that it’s going to refuse to ask any questions about the torture being conducted by the Bush Administration, I’ll go along with their decision.
You see, George W. Bush isn’t the only Republican who talks to me. Jack Abramoff talks to me too, and he has arranged some pretty nice favors to come my way over the years.

- God