Advice From God

Dear God,

That’s My Congress reports that Senator Orrin Hatch got an independent of over $25,000 from the American College of Radiology after Hatch promoted legislation to protect radiologists from professional competition.

Do you count this as an example of political corruption?

- Mari

Mari,

Certainly, it is not an instance of corruption. In fact, it never happened.

You may have heard how, in order to lead sinful humans astray, Satan created the appearance of fossils that seem to suggest the development of life on earth through natural selection. Well, now the same thing has happened to Orrin Hatch. The Devil has, through his magical dark arts, placed the appearance of the payment of an independent expenditure to benefit Senator Hatch in the Federal Election Commission database.

It’s a sign of how very very holy Orrin hatch is. Only the most godly politicians would be attacked by demonic forces in this way.

- God

Dear God,

Author James Haught writes that faith is fading in America.

How could this happen? The coins in the USA read “In God We Trust”! Isn’t that enough proof that America is still devoted to you, God? Why are you allowing faith to fade in our country?

- Delores

Delores,

It’s true. I am allowing faith to fade in the United States. Don’t fear, though. It is all part of The Plan.

By enabling the faithful to fade, they can become more stealthy, walking through crowds unseen. Faded Christian believers will be able to act as perfect spies, sneaking into the offices of the Secular Coalition for America to see what sorts of nefarious non-religiosity these infidels will be up to next.

It’s just another step toward the End Times, Dolores, so go along with my plan. Christianity is going covert, with invisible prayer warriors!

- God

Dear God,

My house has lost half its value over the last two years. Now, my mortgage is 125 percent of the amount I could sell my house for.

What do I do?

- Sydney

Sydney,

The Book of Proverbs advises, “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish plucks it down with her hands.”

In other words… well, to be frank, I have no idea what that means. Who has ever heard of a woman plucking down a house with her hands? What if a man plucks down a house? Is that wise?

Here’s what you do: You rent out your house to people who will pay for the mortgage with their rent, while you go live somewhere else.

Above else, do not be like King Hezekiah. He didn’t rent his house. he rented his clothes, silly man. As the Book of Isaiah tells it, “he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the Lord.”

- God

So God,

Are you saying that the reason I can’t mess up BP, but BP can mess up the whole world, is because BP is more powerful than me? That sounds messed up. Kind of like “might makes right.” That’s not ethics, it’s just bullying. What’s up with that?

-Brit

Oh shut up already Brit,

Of course might makes right. I myself decreed that “thou shalt not kill.” And back in the time of Noah I killed everybody except for a drunk and his family on a boat. Was that right? Remember who you’re talking to before you answer, Brit.

I am the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I own everything. That means I have a whole lot invested in BP stocks. I also own you and your sorry $18,000 in retirement savings. I can’t even get to that until the year 2028 without substantial interest and tax penalties. I mean, I could get to it, because I’m all powerful. But you know. Anyhow, the bottom line is this–BP is worth more to me than you.

So shut up.

-God

OK God,

So what if I got a bunch of friends to each chip in five dollars if I pissed all over an AMPM Mini Mart and took a dump in the nachos? That would be “productive,” because I’d be making money for it. Would it be OK then?

-Brit

Brit,

No. That doesn’t sound right. BP, which owns the AMPM Mini Marts, is the fourth largest company in the world, after all. You’ve got to respect that. You’re just some guy. Who are you to take a dump in their nachos?

-God

Dear God,

This whole BP oil spill thing has me pretty steamed, I can tell you. I don’t get how British Petroleum thinks it’s OK to do slovenly drilling and mess up the whole Gulf of Mexico. There’s crude oil all over everything down there, the beaches, the birds, the dolphins, even the ocean floor. It’s like they think they somehow have the right to just mess up the whole world. Well I know it’s the fourth largest company in the world, but that doesn’t mean the world belongs to British Petroleum. The world belongs to everyone, and all the living things on it. Where does BP come off messing it all up?

It’s like, suppose I were to walk into an AMPM Mini Mart (which is owned by BP), whip it out, and just piss all over everything. Yeah, I messed up something that doesn’t belong to me. Just like you, BP.

Would that be wrong?

-Brit

Dear Brit,

Yes, that would be wrong. The act you propose would not be productive. That is to say, it wouldn’t make you any money. It is ethically justifiable to mess up things that do not belong to you if you make money in the process. That is in the Bible. Somewhere.

-God

Dear God,

You may have heard that there’s a big controversy this year about the National Day of Prayer. Christian organizations say that the government ought to be helping their religion, while a judge has pointed out that such government projects are explicitly unconstitutional.

What’s your advice for our leaders? Do you support the National Day of Prayer?

- Lynnie

Lynnie,

Are you kidding me? Why would I support the National Day of Prayer?

When it comes to prayer, people are always thinking about themselves. In my experience, there are two kinds of prayer:

1) Prayers in which people make long winded speeches pretending to tell me about myself. This kind of prayer is always done in front of other people, who are always the real audience.

These prayers go something like this: “Heavenly God, who made certain rules that we must obey, you look down on us and judge us when we stray. You want us to follow your impressive word, and listen to those who speak your true teachings. Help us, Lord, to correct those who disagree with us, and you, as we seek to censor books in the public high school library. We pray in your mighty name, known to all who seek a righteous life, and not libertine smut. Amen.”

2) Whining.

The National Day of Prayer is a national day of whining and selfish speeches. Why would I support that?

Give me some peace. Please, no National Day of Prayer.

- God

Dear God,

You may have heard that we’ve had a gigantic oil spill here on Earth after the explosion of the offshore oil rig Deepwater Horizon. The resulting slick of oil is now larger than what resulted from the wreck of the Exxon Valdez.

I’m wondering if it’s still wise for Barack Obama to support the expansion of offshore drilling for oil along America’s coastline. Some people oppose it, while others continue to hold on to the idea of Drill Baby Drill.

What do you think, God? Should the USA continue to expand its offshore drilling operations?

- Edgar

Edgar,

On no account should offshore drilling for energy be stopped. I’m all for offshore drilling, just so long as it’s far, far offshore – something like 888 billion miles offshore.

Offshore drilling should take place in places like Titan, a moon of Saturn, with its many sources of energy such as frozen methane and hydrocarbon lakes. Titan is already uninhabitable for human beings, so little harm can be done there.

On Earth, it’s a different matter. Why people would want to drill for a vile, toxic fluid such as crude oil is beyond me. Is driving to the convenience store really so important? There’s a reason the stuff is called crude, you know.

- God

Dear God,

I have been hearing a lot about the Hutaree, that Christian militia from southern Michigan that is accused of planning to go kill police officers in the hopes that doing so would somehow trigger a great Civil War in the United States that would be a part of the End Times, leading toward a great battle of the Apocalypse in which the Hutaree would fight against Satan’s armies.

Was this indeed in alignment with your plan for the world? Do you support the Hutaree, God?

- Felicia

Felicia,