Advice From God

Dear God,

I was just reading the wise words of Justin Meyer of the Calvary Christian Church, writing in the St. Helena Star. He was pointing out that people would do a whole lot better and not have so many problems if they would just start listening to what you said.

Meyer said, “We serve such a great God! Jesus understands us and represents us. So even when we fail, we can come to our Big Daddy and receive His mercy and get everything we need.”

Well, Big Daddy, I need one thousand by the end of this month to pay my mortgage, or the bank is going to start the process of foreclosing on my house. I’ve failed to find a job, so could you give me your mercy and give me what I need?

- Paul

Paul,

I’ve already figured out what you need, actually, and I’ve decided that you don’t need that house. What you need is an attitude change. When you’re all powerful like me, you see, it’s easy to tell when other people aren’t humble enough. That’s you to a T.

What you need is to lose everything, and go live in a subway tunnel. That’s where you’ll learn that all you really need is one can of dog food to eat every day. Don’t worry, I’ll give you that.

I’m sure you’ll be grateful when you discover that you don’t really need a house to live in. Send me your thanks when you get there, and remember to pray to me every night. I need the praise.

- God

Dear God,

In the Song of Solomon, you left some work undone. You wrote, “Love is strong as death”, but you never said how strong death is.

I’d like to know more about the true nature of love, and so I need to ask you: How strong is death?

- Peter

Peter,

Many people read that passage incorrectly. They think that I mean that love has a grip that is as strong as the grip of death, but that’s not what I meant. Anyone who has witnessed the way of love over time knows that.

Death is not truly strong. It is a passive state of perfect weakness. Think of it this way: When was the last time you ever saw a dead man get up and do a hard day’s work, or even something as easy as washing the dishes?

Love is as strong as death, yes, which is to say that it is weak, a state of passive decay that smells worse the longer that it persists.

- God

Dear God,

I just read an article in the Vancouver Sun, which quoted neurologist Georg Northoff as saying that people will never be able to scientifically prove that God exists.

“We will never be able to answer the existence of God,” Northoff said. “We can research the neuro-mechanism into belief, but we cannot say anything about God. That’s where we have to go to philosophy.”

Is it true God? Can science never say anything about your existence?

- Jewel

Jewel,

Of course science can say things about my existence! It’s nonsense for Northoff to say otherwise.

I am a known quantity. Here I am, right here, right now, for instance, writing this blog. Why isn’t that enough to prove that I exist? Does anyone question whether Ariana Huffington exists?

If those scientists weren’t such wimps, they come right over here to my blog right now and start studying me. But nooooo. They’re too afraid.

- God

Dear God,

I recall a controversy that was brewing some time ago, but seems to have died down without being resolved. But I remain curious my sweet Lord: How many licks does it take to get to the gum or chewy candy at the middle of a lollipop?

- Nate

Dear Nate,

Excellent question.

Have you ever considered that there might be a tremendous number of variables at play, and that your answer might not come in the form of a single number that holds true in all conditions?

Did you ever pause to reflect on the following factors?

Irregularities in machining that place the soft “middle” slightly off center, creating a lollipop that took a different number of licks from each side?

The pressure and duration of each lick?

The ambient temperature of the room?

The quantity and chemical composition of the saliva of the person doing the licking?

The surface area of tongue making contact with the lollipop at each lick?

Did it ever occur to you that different permutations of these factors would make it impossible to resolve this controversy with a single quantitative response?
No?

Good, because there’s a name for thinking like that.

It’s called “relativism,” and it’s bad. Really, really bad. If you embrace relativism, you reject absolutes. And if you reject absolutes, you will no longer obey the arbitrary dictates of those in authority without pausing to consider the rational, ethical, and empirical basis of those dictates.

And who wants to live like that?

There is an absolute answer to everything.

How many licks does it take?

1,487.

One more or one less, and you’re doing it wrong.

- God

God,

I feel awkward asking you about this, and hope you won’t take it the wrong way. It has to do with Barry C. Black, the official, government-paid high priest of the United States Senate.

He’s been coming out in public, and making it seem that he’s your boss. He’s actually been making speeches in which he gives you instructions – commands, even. Last week, for example, he said on the floor of the Senate, “Most Merciful God, who is the fountain of all grace, the source of all goodness, and in whose keeping are the destinies of nations, endue the minds of our lawmakers with wisdom. Set their feet with a steadfast purpose to fulfill Your will, day by day, by faithful labor and selfless service.”

The way I see it, there are two possibilities. First, Barry C. Black could truly have the power to command you, God. That would make Black the true master of the universe. The second possibility, though, is that he’s just pretending that he can order you around, telling you to manipulate members of Congress to serve his whims.

Which is the truth?

- Mark

Mark,

Sadly, I am under the dark magical powers of Barry C. Black. He has cast an evil spell on me, after selling his soul to an evil demon named Francois.

Now, Barry C. Black has the power to command me, and I must do whatever he asks. As you can see by the content of his directions to me last week, Reverend Black is intent upon using me to manipulate members of Congress to work for his own dark plans, in what he calls “selfless service”.

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, Pope Benedict XVI said that the legends of Jesus were your final revelation to humanity, and that now you’re done revealing anything to anyone.

Why, God? Why are you shutting yourself away, refusing to take any phone calls, not beginning any new projects?

You’re kind of turning out like Corey Haim, trapped in your own cosmic Canada without any visa to re-enter the land of the living. What’s going on?

- Paulie

Paulie,

You’re closer to the truth than you know. The truth is that I’m hooked on a sort of prescription drug. It’s called prayer.

All day long, I just lounge about on one of those comfy, puffy clouds, listening to people praise me, and ask me for favors, as if I’m responsible for all of the good things that happen on Earth, and not responsible for any of the bad things. You have no idea what a rush it is.

You may say that I’ve gotten lazy, that I was just a child star who only did any work of value back in my early days, but why should I lift a finger to create any more good works? Haven’t I don’t enough? Don’t I enjoy an eternity of praise? Aren’t I that wonderful?

- God

Dear God,

This week, Daniel Couglin, the official priest of the U.S. House of Representatives, offered the following statement in prayer: “Sometimes You may draw back from our momentary attention just to make us pray all the more ardently and increase our desire for Your presence or refine our request.”

I don’t understand this statement. How can withdrawing from people’s attention cause people to pray more ardently for you? Why would you run away from the people who worship you?

- Sam

Sam,

It’s all part of my Divine Plan ™. I chose to create the human soul in such a way that it would only pay attention to me when I am running away from the attention of humans. See, if people are paying attention to me, they start to take me for granted. That’s why I choose to help people forget me, so that they stop paying attention to me, and thus reach into a higher relationship with me.

If that doesn’t make sense, think about it in terms of supernatural dating. If you have a new girlfriend, don’t call her this Friday evening. Instantly, she’ll become more attractive to you. Basically, I’m playing hard to get with the human race. By making it seem that I don’t exist or don’t care, I get people praying that I’ll just pay them the slightest bit of attention.

It gratifies my vanity, and if you’re a divine being like me, vanity is bread and butter.

- God

Dear God,
I work for an insurance company. It is my job to maximize profits by reducing expenditures. I didn’t think anything was wrong with that, until about a year ago. That was when I reduced expenditures by refusing coverage to a patient who was diagnosed with cancer, on the basis that his condition was “not life threatening.” Six months later, he died of it. I can’t forget him. I can’t sleep. I feel like I’ve done something terrible. Was what I did ethical, God?
-Cassandra

Dear Cassandra,
You did your job, Cassandra. Don’t worry about it. Treatment for this man’s cancer would have cost a lot of money. You start letting people like that live, and pretty soon executives and shareholders are going to have to start selling their vacation homes and boats. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? The Bible does not forbid you to deny health care benefits to sick people who are entitled to them; therefore it is ethical to do so.

Here is all you need to know about ethics, Cassandra. I existed before anything was created. I had a son. His mother was a virgin. He died two thousand years ago. He is still alive. If you believe this, you will be happy forever after you die. Honestly. If you do not believe this, you will suffer forever after you die. Swear to Me. That’s all you’ve got to know about ethics. Don’t worry about anything other than that.
-God

Dear God,

Bolivian preacher Jose Flores says that when he hijacked a plane yesterday, he did it because God told him to do it, to warn Mexico of an unprecedented earthquake that is soon to come. Flores said that you were his accomplice.

Is it true?

- Joaquin

Joaquin,

Some of it is true. I did tell Jose Flores to hijack that plane. I was his accomplice.

However, the thing about the earthquake is not true. I merely told Jose that in order to get him on the airplane.

I manipulated him in order to fulfill the true meaning of the book of Corinthians, chapter 16, verses 6-7: “And it may be that I will abide, yea, and winter with you, that ye may bring me on my journey whithersoever I go. For I will not see you now by the way; but I trust to tarry a while with you, if the Lord permit.”

- God

Dear God,

What’s the best thing to do for a sprained ankle?

- Luigi

Luigi,

The best thing to do for a sprained ankle is to apply an ointment called Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, and leave it overnight. The ointment is made by adding ammonia to an ooze found on the floor of a cave at the bottom of a methane ocean on a planet 187 light years from your solar system.

Given that it would take you two human lifetimes to reach the nearest place where Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, even if you could attain the speed of light, I suggest that you put a bag of ice on your ankle, keep it elevated as much as possible, and hope for the best.

You could pray, but ankle prayers are among those I don’t answer.

- God